Yoga-ed to Death

Yoga-ed to Death

Finally got to join the yoga group over at the senior center.  I’ve been wanting in this group for quite some time, but wasn’t old enough – isn’t that odd? *laughs * Anyway, I’ve done yoga off and on since the 1980s and thought it would be great to be back in a regular practice.

Went for the first time today and rode my bike (and amazingly didn’t crash even once!).  The class is called “Gentle Yoga” which I thought would be perfect for someone reacquainting themselves with the practice, but figured I’d move past it in a couple months.

HA!  Gentle yoga, my fanny!  I thought I was going to die and all the little old ladies around me just kept going and going and going…  I think they could have qualified for an Energizer Bunny commercial.

The thing about little old ladies is that they are deceptive.  You look at their pretty white, fluffy hair, twinkling eyes, rosy cheeks and ready smile and are lulled into the false belief that they are nice people.  In reality, little old ladies are sadistic champion gymnasts who take youngsters like me and turn us into the PRETZEL OF PAIN.

After having their way with me for an hour, I staggered to my feet, pretended to smile through my grimace, nodded and made appreciative noises and then staggered out to my bike.  Several of the too innocent little old ladies remarked about how healthy it was of me to ride my bike.  I just grimaced at them again and failed to mention that I had every intention of dragging my bike off into the bushes and having a nap.

I did finally make it home and have been groaning in pain ever since and crazy as it sounds, I’ll be going back next week.  I wonder what the little old ladies will have up their sleeve then – thumb screws, maybe?

Vertically challenged = fitness challenged = horizontally challenged

Vertically challenged = fitness challenged = horizontally challenged

I’m vertically challenged and it’s getting annoying.  I don’t mean that I’m short, I’m not.  I’m 5’8” which for my generation was almost on the tall side and is short compared to current generations.

No, my vertical challenge is in actually staying upright.  I’m saying this because I just fell with my bike on the driveway – while getting off – while not even moving – and somehow got tangled up in the back tire.

*sigh*

Falling off my bike in spectacularly embarrassing and inexplicable ways is not new for me.  Nor is tripping over a dust mote and doing a belly flop in the middle of a busy intersection.  The last time I did this was coming home from my yearly physical.  My doctor had just been praising me for walking to my appointment instead of driving.  Feeling quite pleased, I jauntily walked home and promptly fell flat on my face in the middle of the crosswalk.  I wanted to jump up, run back to my doctor and shout that this was the very reason why my fitness level is so challenged – because I always hurt myself!

But I didn’t go back to the doctor, because my knees hurt too much and I had gravel embedded in my hands and elbows and all I wanted to do was crawl home and die of humiliation.  While it was very kind of the numerous people who asked if I was ok, I really, deeply wished that they would all vanish in a puff of smoke.

Most of my falls on my bike involve intersections and numerous curious drivers as well.  According to traffic laws, bicyclists are supposed to dismount and walk across intersections with traffic lights.  I thought this would be a much safer method for me, since riding across with the ‘walk’ signal had proved detrimental to my health so many times in the past.  But even walking my bike provides entertainment for motorists because I usually find some way to trip and fall down with the bike on top of me or get the front tire going the wrong way and fall on top of the bike.  Both methods are quite painful and deeply humiliating.

So today when I dismounted and somehow got tangled up with the back tire, I had a bit of a fit.  I would have stomped on something if I wasn’t so afraid of falling down while doing it.  How am I supposed to keep my body from being horizontally challenged if I am vertically challenged, which in turn makes me fitness challenged?  GRRR!

I’m going to go hide in the basement now.